Harsh Toke:

Tonight, my friend Kassidy and I went to the movies to see "No Strings Attached." I'm not sure why... I didn't eat dinner, and I figured some of my activities would inevitably lead to us getting the munchies, so I brought along a tub of hummus (Trader Joe's Cilantro & Jalapeno, to be exact ;) and a bag of tortilla chips. It was necessary to take these into the movie with us because I refuse to spend money on movie theatre snacks. IT'S HIGHWAY ROBBERY.

Neither one of us had purses, however, so I decided to shove all of it under my coat, which, made a gigantic bump. Surprisingly, it was a very natural bump, and when placed just right, I genuinely looked like a pregnant woman. We entered the theatre, Kassidy bought the tickets at the little automated machine, (seeing as I couldn't move my arms away from my stomach, or else my snacks would fall out from under my coat...) We both got a case of the giggles at this point, because, again--I looked pregnant--and we were attracting stares...presumably because my frame looked so small in comparison to my bulging midsection...

So we formulated a plan to get past the ticket taker without him asking if I was hiding anything in my coat....this involved Kassidy handing him both of the tickets, (so I wouldn't have to move my arms), and also--most importantly--shouting things throughout the lobby/theatre like,

"That's my WIFE you're talkin' to there!"

and,

"Hey! That's MYYY WIFE!"

or

"YOU CAN'T TALK TO MY WIFE LIKE THAT!"

and

"How DARE you INSINUATE that my WIFE has been DRINKING!"

When we turned around to finally walk up to the ticket taker, he had walked away and wasn't even paying any attention to us....That's never happened to me before--just being able to walk into a theatre unnoticed. Unfortunately, Kassidy had already spent her money on two...full-priced, general admission tickets, for one...awful....romantic comedy...with her PREGNANT WIFE. Lesson learned.

CASE CLOSED.